Maddening (Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI by David Grann)

If you know me personally and you're wondering how I came to be reading a non-fiction book like this (it's not my normal "go-to" genre), I was wondering the same thing myself. I came home from vacation, opened up my email, and read that I had this book waiting for me at the library for pick up. I thought: "Did I order this? I know we've been watching Quantico, but I don't think I ordered a book on the FBI!" Then, I realized it was a discussion book for the next library book discussion group meeting.

I know "maddening" is not a gerund which I generally use in my book review blog titles, but the book's story (not the book itself) is infuriating. The story involves one of the worst racial tragedies in the US, and it's not even in American History textbooks. If I were still teaching, I would definitely choose this book as one for my high schoolers to read.

The author David Grann stated in an interview with PBS News Hour that he started writing the book as a "Who did it?" but it became a "Who didn't do it?!" One reviewer mentions that there are a lot of people involved. There are! I feel Grann did a good job of keeping it clear. Pictures helped. Although pictures of the "devil himself" made me even more disgusted with him as he is so smug, so sure that he is going to get away with everything. If it sounds like fiction, it does read like a movie or television series. Apparently the story did make it onto film, but I'll bet that a new movie or tv series comes out of this.

Hopefully, if that happens, those who make it will stick to the story. The greed and travesty is unreal as it is, but the goodness of those who helped and tried to help is equally amazing.

Embedded in all of this is also the early beginnings of the FBI which adds to the story. Ratings wise, I'm saying 4 stars only because I save 5 stars for books I buy full price. IF I were teaching this, I would buy it and it would be bought for all my students. In that respect, it is a 5 star book.  I recommend the book.

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

My family moved from a very diverse area to a not-so-diverse area. Thankfully, we have much diversity in our friends and family. I have never regretted teaching my children to love people of all ethnicities. I can't really say "teaching" as we just lived out being friends with all manner of people. I could  have done a better job with the homeless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A story like this cries out for practices of social justice. Unfortunately (or perhaps with good reason), anyone under 18 is not allowed to help out at our homeless shelters and places where meals are served. (Before anyone gets upset, the children might know each other from school and they don't want the homeless children being embarrassed by being fed by a fellow student.) As adults, we have many options. My mind today was in the direction of spiritual formation in children so I did a search on "social justice practices and children". I ran across this quote that resonated with me:

People should talk to us with the same kind tone that they talk to other children.

 (Beeru, ragpicker, 14, member of child workers union, India)

Wow. Lots of great ideas can be found, but how about starting with how we talk with one another? If you're a person of influence in a church, then I have some really great ideas. How about living in the poorer neighborhoods or setting a family up in a home next to church members and getting that family financial guidance, marital guidance, childrearing guidance? I've seen it done.

Watching (The Woman in the Window by A. J. Finn)

I'm not normally a mystery reader (but I think my picture for this book is rather good considering I set up and took the photo). I read this while on vacation because my daughter had it on her bookshelves. All the hype about it is true: Hitchcock feel to it, well-written, keeps you wondering. You can chalk up my three stars as a matter of me not being a mystery reader. The book is entertaining. Some of my friends would not touch it with a ten foot pole (creepiness abounds); others would love the book.

I was impressed with myself that I caught on to a key clue at the beginning. I didn't guess who did it but I was also proud of myself for not cheating and reading the ending first. Easy read -- I took 2-3 days to read it. Short review today.

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

My having children and grandchildren section -- what could I come up with to match this book?! Well, since in my last post I regretted buying into the whole "spare the rod and spoil the child" belief, maybe this would be a good time to say that doesn't mean "let the children run amuck and do what they want." There are some obnoxious kids in this book. Raising children and coming alongside grandchildren takes time, lots of it, and consistent love and care. Time that seems difficult to give day in and day out (and let's not forget nighttime as well!) I'm impressed with parents these days. So much good research has come out and parents are learning from it. I'd say that falling into same patterns when we'd rather leave those old patterns behind is a challenge for every generation. A newer challenge for all of us is the lure of technology (a sentence I write using technology 😬). Technology is neither good nor evil, but it definitely can tempt us to skip out on living in the present. Technology is also a part of this book.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A great spiritual formation practice would be to try and go without technology (or social media if technology is part of your job or too broad a sweep) for 24 hours. There's also a couple of good books I could recommend: The Power of Off (which has even more ideas for learning to avoid the siren call of technology) and The Winter of Our Disconnect. 

Becoming -- a Three Book Review

I grew up thinking I was not creative. My parents didn't put this idea in my head. I simply felt I never came up with any new thoughts. This belief came to full fruition in my junior year of college. Our first activity in my Foundations of Education class was to think of as many ideas as possible using a pair of eyeglasses. Um, look through them; start a fire... When the class as a whole listed the ideas possible, I realized where I had missed the possibilities. The one idea that remains, of the many my classmates had, is to use them for an ant corral*. How effective of an ant corral that would be doesn't matter. What matters is I suddenly saw that I could learn how to be creative! I just needed to see connections beyond my normal parameters for a given object or subject. This is a long introduction to say that I am exercising my creativity by combining these three books for review: Legend by Marie Lu, The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna, and Becoming Dallas Willard by Gary Moon. They happen to be the first three books I read during my school break.

I give Legend by Marie Lu three stars. I like it. It's a good beach read, library read, vacation read. I liked it enough to seek out the other two books in the series once I returned home. I read somewhere (and, of course, now I can't find it) that Lu was intrigued with the idea of the poor criminal meeting up with the good person such as in Les Misérables. In this story, the criminal has the better morals of the two; however, I think not only Les Misérables but other stories have influenced Lu, all to the good. (Without being too much of a plot spoiler the ending matches the ending of The Tale of Two Cities with a bit of a twist...or maybe not such a twist...since I could also say that it matches a bible story.) Lu comes to the table of the past and updates the stories, freshens them up. Legend is a well-written, easy to read story of a dystopian future. It annoys me that the good adults in YA fiction are always dead or will die (an exception to this standard practice might be The 100; however, since I've only seen the television series and have not read the books, I'll have to check with the granddaughter to confirm that adults do live in that series). A Commonsense review noted that this book could be read at 12+. I agree with that. If you are in the + range as I am but you have enjoyed reading The Hunger Games series or the Divergent series, then you will probably enjoy this series as well.

I give The Crossroads of Should and Must by Elle Luna four stars. I have bought my own copy so that I can write in it. The "shoulds" have driven much of my life. Oldest child, what can I say more? Yet, pairing up "should" and "must" as opposites stretches my thinking about these two words. They are both modals. I used to describe modals as words your mom uses: "You should clean up your room." "You must clean up your room." "Would you please clean up your room!" Modals also express "ability or possibility" but somehow I never caught on to that. I focused on the "permission and obligation" part of the modal definition. Basically, "should" is born out of duty, someone's idea of correctness, our own or someone else's criticism. "Must" as used in this book involves what we love, what drives us, what wakes us up in the morning eager to get on with the day -- with the caveat that what drives us needs to help us thrive, not kill us. Alcoholics must have a drink, but that's not what is going to help them thrive and grow. I did tell my daughter, "Hmmm, I must read, but I don't think I can get paid doing that." She had some ideas of how readers get paid. Previewing books, a reader's dream job, yes? Yet, I get to choose what I read at the moment. I'm not sure how much I would enjoy being forced to read something. The Crossroads of Should and Must is a gift book, an inspirational book, an artsy book. The price is right for me and I want to play around with the questions and thoughts in the book. 

Finally, I arrive at the book I pre-ordered so that it arrived on the first day out in the public and arrived in time for me to read it while flying out of my home state. I easily give Becoming Dallas Willard by Gary Moon five stars, and not just because I've sat under Dallas's teaching (and Gary's, too, come to think of it) or know some of the people that helped Gary make this book be the best it could be. I read the book every page from title page to endnotes in four days, and I will read this book again and again. It won't be sitting on a shelf looking pretty. Why would I re-read a biography? I first "met" Dallas in 2003 when he was a keynote speaker at a teacher's convention. About the same time, one of my sisters gave me his Divine Conspiracy  to read (I had a tough time getting past page 80 that first time of reading). Ten years later in 2013, I sat close enough to hear and see his interactions with people as he gave some of the last lectures of his life. In other words, I met him at a time when who he was seemed unachievable to me: incredibly kind and gentle at the same time that he was incredibly brilliant and humorous. This story Becoming Dallas Willard illustrates so well how the Dallas who closed out this life in 2013 was not the same Dallas who entered it in 1935.

He grew up in more challenging circumstances than many American readers; however, like many of us, he was a normal teen capable of activities that indicated his brain was not fully developed (read, foolish, dumb, stupid, thoughtless). There's nothing wrong with being a super good, moral, kind teenager, but I was not, and it's helpful to see that someone I respect and admire became that better person. He also sat under some of the same church teaching that I did and came to realize how it fell short of the fuller trusting real relationship one could have with Jesus, who "will walk right up to you", and that the kingdom of God and invisible things are real (131-132). Dallas failed in some of the same ways I have failed as a parent. To learn from someone who has struggled with my same struggles encourages my soul. Because spiritual practices were so much a part of Dallas's life, the book is a veritable source of spiritual practices in life narratives. Even the section of Dallas's years as a philosophy professor, which some reviewers have not enjoyed, I appreciated. How does the transformed life look during the hours of employment?

What does the transformed life look like when one comes out from under all the "shoulds" we or our culture places upon us? What does the transformed life look like when light and goodness shine forth? That's the connecting thread between these three books. Dallas Willard became who he was/is because his "must" was a vibrant relationship with Jesus, knowing that the kingdom of God is real and living in light of that eternal truth. He practiced in indirect ways actions that enabled the love of Jesus, the goodness, the kindness, the intelligence, the beauty and art of a life with Jesus to naturally flow out when it was directly needed.  Fictional characters June and Day become better characters as the light overcomes the darkness, good overcomes evil. (Granted there's a bit more violence in the Legend series than might be desired, but without characters who practice goodness, there would be no story. Violence would not overcome violence.)

Who are we becoming? People who live stunted lives because the "shoulds" keep us boxed up in fear? Or, people, who because of fear or anger live violent, ruined lives (this will come more into play in the second and third books of the Legend series)? Or people, as today's Sacred Space describes and a person that I saw in Dallas Willard -- a person who "reach(es) the fresh and challenging possibilities that God wish me (us) to realise"?

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

This is my section of the blog for "been there, wish I had not done that" or "been there, I'm so glad I did". As mentioned above, I failed in the same way that Dallas did in certain areas of parenting. Believing church instruction of "spare the rod, spoil the child" has to count as one of my failures. Along with believing some teaching about a child being willful when he or she cries. More than likely, it is an overtired, over-stimulated child, a hungry child, a wet or hurting child. I'm thankful there is so much more research out now than there was when I was raising a child. Sure, there are ways to spoil a child, but I have a feeling that it has more to do with giving a child an overabundance of material goods rather than giving a child an abundance of hugs, presence, partnership in doing chores, direction and guidance in learning to live in an overactive world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What most often stops me achieving freedom is my tendency to be caught up in fears and exceptions about what I 'ought' or 'should' be. My usual automatic responses tie me down and inhibit me from exploring new areas of growth. I ask and pray for a greater sense of inner freedom and that I might reach the fresh and challenging possibilities that God wishes me to realise" (Sacred Space, Monday, April 23, 2018).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This morning as I sat on my back porch, I noticed that a lead line had corralled an ant. Actually one ant was corralled inside the loop and another ant was corralled outside the loop. I thought ants could crawl up surfaces so I was surprised that neither one tried to crawl over." 

Top Shelf with the Memories on the Left in the Bedroom -- Journals, Memoirs, and Writing, Oh My!

This is my second bookshelf post. For some people, this shelf on a bedroom hutch would not be for books. It would be for pictures or knick knacks. Not so in a reader's house. If you are a mom and here for a mom moment, skip down to the hearts. If you are interested in the spiritual practices side of this blog, skip down to the dotted lines. Those of you interested in brief synopses of the books, keep reading.

From left to right:
Streams in the Desert devotional journal -- not written in. I have this habit of buying beautiful journals and then not wanting to mar the pages. My original Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman is on the other side of the hutch, well used and well read.

I am Inspired reflections journal -- 15 pages written in while I was in Russia. It was a good choice for Russia as it is lightweight. Twice before I had traveled to Russia and not written down my thoughts when I was there. The experienced travelers say to reflect while you are on the journey or you will forget. I found this to be true, but difficult to implement. My last written words are in Russian. Unfortunately, I have dropped my practices and have forgotten much so I'm not sure what it says. Мы is "We"; Сару is probably Sarah, my daughter, with whom I was traveling. I know the last word is "house" and the next to the last, I think, is "old" and we were visiting an old, very old, house.
Мы двинули Сару к её новому дому.

What to do with the other pages? Sigh. I have many, many journals and a tendency to pick one up and start writing, no matter the date or subject. In other words, if my children or grandchildren ever read them, they will find the scope and sequencing way out of sync (out of order). I did have a idea for young moms (or anyone really), see 💕 below.

Live This Day a birthday book of questions and reflections -- not written in (are you sensing a pattern here?). I picked this up at a yard sale for 25 cents. I had grand plans of writing in it on my birthday every year, but I did not think about it two months ago.

Mere Christianity journal -- a beautiful leather journal (ahem, also not written in). I had bought one for one of my students as a graduation gift, liked it so much that I bought one for myself. There is a beautiful violet pressed inside.

All Shall Be Well by Paraclete Press -- colorful pages, quotes by saints of old (the cover quote by Hilda St. Clair), opportunities to draw and write, WRITTEN IN! I turn often to the first two pages. On one side is a quote by Teresa of Avila: "Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. God alone is enough." On the other side are boxes in a variety of colors with these instructions: "Write your fears in each of these boxes. Now mark an X over each one and write underneath each one, "God is bigger than this." I have not literally filled in those boxes, but when I am fearful, I sometimes come to this page and mentally fill in the box, cross it out, and say to myself, "God is bigger than this." If you happened to read my post Magi-Community-Regrets-Resolutions, you will know that I took issue with those who respond to all situations with a blanket: God is enough. I responded, "God is enough AND God wants community." I still think that is true. I also know God is enough and bigger than all my fears. God also uses the community of saints (and sinners) to love me and strengthen me.

Writing About Your Life by William Zinsser -- I need all the help I can get. Obviously, what I need most is either the time or the will to sit down and start writing.

Old Friend from Far Away by Natalie Goldberg -- Yes, another "The Practice of Writing Memoir" Gulp, not written in. Yes, this is a "how-to" writing memories with actually exercise pages. Maybe I could put one page from a journal or memory book down on my list of "to-do" (see hearts below).

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence -- so loved, the front cover is there but no longer attached. The copyright on this book is 1982. I may have had it longer than that. I can't say that I have read and re-read the book as much as I have constantly been reminded by the title that I can practice being aware of the presence of God.

Born for Battle by R. Arthur Mathews (copyright 1978) -- I've also had this book for a very long time. Every time I think about passing it along something happens to remind me of its value. The battle in this book is not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. What saved the book on the bookshelf this week was a section "God's Good Purposes in Human History" in Dallas Willard's book The Allure of Gentleness. It's too long of a discussion to post here, but I recommend Willard's book.

The Calvary Road by Roy Hession -- This is another book that I sometimes think of passing on and then I see the words I have underlined. The author, at least as he wrote the book, writes humbly and lovingly (which always draws me in) of openness and transparency.

If by Amy Carmichael -- Another little book I have had for a long time. When I pull it down, it is usually to remind myself of her poem "Love through me, Love of God" -- the second stanza is as follows:

Powers of the love of Good, 
Depths of the heart Divine, 
O Love that faileth not, break forth, 
And flood this world of Thine. 

Boundless Love by six women -- As I took the picture of this bookshelf, I wondered, "Do I have this book up here because I'm too lazy to pass it on?" So, I pull it down and start to read. The short vignettes by these women are so good. They were all grey-haired when the book came out, and I have been looking for writings by older women. The back page is a appropriate synopsis: "Our faith begins and ends with the love of God. In the face of life's struggles, how deeply we need to trust in a love greater than ourselves..."

A Heart Like His by Mike and Amy Nappa -- Written like a blog would be written, before there were blogs.

I Celebrate You, Grandmother! -- Back to the journal type of books. A gift book I found at a yard sale and couldn't pass up...even though my grandmothers died many years ago. I'm not sure what I intend to do with it! Hope my grandchildren find it and fill it in for me? Hah!

A Closer Walk by Catherine Marshall -- I keep pages 102-103 permanently bookmarked. These are the pages when Marshall discusses the day she decided to practice "fasting from criticism." Her account is hilarious (always hilarious when someone else it is happening to someone else). She writes: "My critical nature had not corrected a single one of the multitudinous things I found fault with." Those last three words are key words. Most of us, myself especially included, would not think of ourselves as critical. The word "critical" applies to someone mean, doesn't it. However, Marshall fasted from speaking out anything that day with which she found fault (whether she was right or not!). See below the dotted line for what she learned from this day.

Finally, A Time To Pray 365 Classic Prayers to help you through the year, compiled by Philip Law -- The title states it all, and I've used this book a lot.

Would I put any of these books on my Ideal Bookshelf? -- I don't know. Possibly the All Shall Be Well. Small, good quotes, good reflections.

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
This morning, I wanted to accomplish as much as possible. I tend to jump from one activity to the next, getting things done, but maybe not as efficiently as possible (and forgetting some things in the middle of doing others). I have practiced making a list in the past and it has worked for me (as long as I don't lose all the little sticky notes, pieces of paper, etc.). Typically I jump from one activity to the next as they come to mind. This morning as I thought of something that needed to be done, I jotted it down on a piece of paper. This kept me from thinking of a computer activity and then finding myself still on the computer an hour later. I kept a list of everything that needed to be accomplished on the computer.

It did occur to me as my list grew that this might be overwhelming to a parent who is already overwhelmed. (One obviously can not put "change baby's diaper" on the list.) I wondered if putting one thing down per page, such as in this disposable little journal, might look more do-able. Once an action is crossed off, the page can be used again. It becomes more of a list making device than a journal, but one can look back and see how she made it through the day, and when there are encouraging words on the page to continually look at each time, an inexpensive journal (often found at the dollar store or cheaply at a yard sale) can be better than plain sheets of paper (easily lost).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you're looking to practice a day of fasting from criticism, it might help to read what Marshall discovered:
1) A critical spirit focuses on ourselves and makes us unhappy. We lose perspective and humor.
2) A critical spirit blocks the positive creative thoughts God longs to give us.
3) A critical spirit can prevent good relationships between individuals and often produces retaliatory criticalness.
4) Criticalness blocks the work of the Spirit of God: love, good will, mercy.
5) Whenever we see something genuinely wrong in another person's behavior, rather than criticize him or her directly, or -- far worse -- gripe about him behind his back, we should ask the Spirit of God to do the correction needed. (Marshall 104)

Day 2 -- Journey on This Second Day of Advent

Every year our Advent tradition includes the journey of our holy family from the back of the house to "Bethlehem" -- our fireplace mantle. This year our youngest granddaughter is using this tradition as the focus of her speech in her second grade classroom so she started Joseph, Mary, and the camel (no donkey) on their journey and took pictures to accompany her speech.

In general, their journey is without incident unless they take a fall (staged here for benefit of a picture) or they are beset by monsters (also known as the dog).

That's Joseph falling. Joseph's journey could not have been planned even in his wildest dreams. A carpenter, he was betrothed to a young woman who he clearly cared enough for that even without an angel's intervention he would not put a scarlet letter 'A' on her and make her a public spectacle. After the angel awakens Joseph and tells him to "Fear not," he gladly takes Mary as his wife, but still has to deal with the government. He gets to travel 35 miles from Nazareth in Galilee to Bethlehem in Judaea with his pregnant wife who is due to give birth just so he can pay taxes in his family's hometown.

On top of those circumstances, everyone else from Bethlehem is also traveling home and the inns are full. So Mary and Joseph get to have their firstborn in with the animals. Not such an auspicious beginning; however, shepherds come visiting because angels have told them that their Saviour has been born. Even Mary is as quiet as her husband after this visit.

The family gets about 2 years of peace and then Magi come to visit them followed by the news that Herod is out to get them. Once again, Joseph is visited by the angel of the Lord, and once again, Joseph finds himself on the road, fleeing to Egypt with the young child Jesus and his mother Mary.

Then comes the news that Herod is dead and they can return to Israel, but they can not return to Judaea because Herod's equally horrible son reigns there. They wind up in Nazareth of Galilee.

It's quite a journey for this family. What journey are you on? I have had a number of journeys in the past few years. Some of those journeys have been journeys of celebration. Yesterday I attended a delightful bridal shower for a former student. She is embarking on a journey of joy, but even those journeys need preparation. However, that is an advent word for another day.

More often than not these days, I know of more journeys like Joseph and Mary's -- journeys filled with ups and downs. I have learned that we have our own ways of dealing with these journeys.

Joseph is a quiet man who obviously cares for his family. When at 12 years of age, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph travel with the extended family to the feast in Jerusalem, and Jesus stays behind, it is Mary who says, "Son, why have you dealt this way with us? Your father and I have been in deep sorrow as we looked for you."

When Mary gets visited  by an angel, she asks questions and launches into a song of praise. Mary goes visiting her cousin. Mary talks. Both Mary and Joseph are people of action, but one seems a bit more extroverted than the other.

I am a borderline introvert. (Does that also make me a borderline extrovert?) I can handle large and small gatherings and like Mary, I don't mind speaking up. Yet, I get my energy from times of quiet. My husband does not like crowds, and he would never be on social media; however, to my surprise, he gets his energy from being with people (just one or two at a time). I am learning to listen to the stories of the journeys of others and not jump in so quickly with "helpful suggestions." Love and listening, I am finding, are always welcome to those on a journey.

I also love this from church service yesterday:
"Wondrous are you, Holy One of Blessing,
All you create is a sign of hope for our journey..." 

Journeys, Pilgrimages, Paths

I first published this post privately on Facebook and a friend asked me if it was on my blog. It was not, so here it is for my friend and anyone else.

I felt like writing today, but it's funny how the finished piece turns out differently than first written in my head. I had to change the pictures I had first chosen as I thought about how on earth does one live her life the way Jesus would live it. My London cohort actually received this type of question during our first semester. We're stuck in an elevator with someone who asks us how to "put on Christ." Here is a portion of a fellow cohort's response: 

"Stranger: Hi...
Nick, nods.
Stranger: So anyway...I was just thinking, what does it mean to 'put on Jesus?' Is that actually possible?
He stares at Nick encouragingly. Nick says nothing.
Stranger: Well?
Nick: I'm sorry, I just find that incredibly difficult to talk about.
Stranger: Why?
Nick: Because I'm English. We never talk to strangers.
Stranger: Oh. I see.
Nick: I'm sorry. It's a genetic thing.
Stranger: Would it help if I told you that I'm not a real person? That I am, actually, an artificial construct created by a man called Gary in order to pose a question?
Nick: (Relieved and suddenly much more relaxed) Oh, in that case, fire away." 

I'm telling you my British genes grow stronger every day. I answered the question...in my own fashion...I pasted in my latest blog post at the time, a piece about "Expectantly Waiting Gone Wrong -- Day 11 of Advent." Made complete sense to me, but then it also made sense to me in elementary school to write about Santa, Greek mythology style. Have. always. marched. to. a. different. beat. 

My journey started prior to my two years of study. I read the article "Sleep Therapy" by Lauren Winner in 2006. No one had ever told me that I could stop working at a decent hour and go to sleep for 8-10 hours. Darn Puritan work ethic. Jesus wept, but Jesus also slept. Even in a storm. 

On that slippery slope to Christ-likeness, I also slowed down. Okay, so maybe freeway driving is still a work in progress, but I no longer run around as if I'm my dog chasing a squirrel. And, it is a life change that others notice because it has led to patience. I sat peacefully at the bank while they figured out how to wire pounds to a bank in England so that I could pay for my reunion stay. The bank folks kept thanking me and marveling at my patience. My response came out of several years of intentionally slowing down my pace because I trusted in Jesus that all would be well. 

The greatest change has come in the area of fear. All my life, fear has driven me. My children gifted me one year with a paranoia book. I never read it because there would be all those new things to fear! While fear can still occasionally grip me, I recognize it now. Fear no longer drives my life. I have now taken over 20 airplane flights! Fear of losing my job? Been there, done that. God sustained me. Yes, there are situations where the pool of tears are beyond my ability to cope, but God sits beside me and sends others to sit beside me. Here are three statements made in one of the final sessions at the reunion I just attended: 1) Over 1,500 x God says, "My people don't listen" 2) People are not finding listeners among Christians because we/they are too busy talking 3) In spiritual formation, we dare not forget: Listen. 

From my teacher: On this journey, "Remember, every person sits next to a pool of tears."

Sometimes we have beautiful sunny path days filled with green and flowers such as in the picture at the beginning of this post, but often days are filled with mud -- how deep and slippery it is differs for each of us.

The path with the elevation gain...ugh.

The path filled with logs: sometimes the logs are in the way; sometimes the logs are something to play on!

The path with seating in the midst of tears. 

Expectant Hope

Yesterday marked the first day of Advent 2015, a day when some light the first candle of five set within a wreath of green.

This first candle, usually purple as befitting the prophecy of a king to come, symbolizes expectant hope. 

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). 

I often forget a major reality: Expectancy isn't filled with soft, comfortable days of waiting.

Consider the opening of Jesus' story: an angel comes to Mary, and even after greeting her and letting her know that she's highly favored and the Lord is with her, Mary is greatly troubled. Angel Gabriel has to say: "Don't be afraid." 

No wonder! We've made angels into cute little beings, or, like Henry Payne's section of painting* above, of equal stature. Bernini did a better job of capturing the immensity of angels. 

I like what is comfortable and familiar. Prophecies and hopes are exciting as long as I can wrap them up in a box with pretty wrappings and bows. But, when they don't fit inside of my small comfortable expectations, or when I have to wait, confused and unsure, then I need a reminder that the Lord also says to me as He had Gabriel say to Mary: The Lord is with you. Don't be afraid." 

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for He has said, 'I will never leave you, nor forsake you' so that we may boldly say, 'The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me'" (Hebrews 13:5,6). 

"The Lord has not given us the spirit of fear, but of strength, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7). 

"Nothing...shall separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39). 

* "Annunciation" detail from Peace and Goodwill 1921-1922 by Henry Payne, stained and painted glass, leaded in the Birmingham Museums and Art Gallery.

Visions of …. on This 9th Day of Christmas

If it is Christmas, and someone says, "Visions of…" to me, I am automatically going to finish off with "sugarplums danced in their heads." Even though this picture to the right is one typical for The Night Before Christmas books where the sentence "visions of sugarplums danced in their heads" is found, I thought sugarplums really were plums. Instead, sugarplums are more like Turkish Delight with fruit, or fruitcake without flour. You can even find a recipe here. Not only did I discover a recipe for sugarplums, I also found out Janet Evanovich has a book titled Visions of Sugar Plums. I think neither the book nor the sugarplums have anything to do with the vision I am thinking of this ninth day of Christmas. Neither am I thinking of ladies dancing. I suppose someone's true love wanted the party to be beautifully festive, so he brought in nine ladies dancing, but then the next day (tomorrow) he sends ten lords a leaping. He now has an extra lord in the mix, unless he is the tenth and his lady love dances with him. But, I digress. This really is not the vision I had for today -- I just had to work in the whole days of Christmas thing. 

I wanted to find a really cool picture for VISION, totally forgetting that vision also means eyesight. That's when I found this picture to the left, which was used to entice students at Brown University to enroll in an Introduction to Computer Vision course this past Fall 2013. I did find the image enticing until I put it on the same page with a sweet little girl dreaming of sugar plums. Now it just looks scary. However, I am moving more toward one of my visions of variety in the look of my blog. I see other peoples' blogs, and I see what mine could look like…if only I had the knowledge to make it look better. Each time I write I determine (make a conscious decision) to write better or to learn and do something new. When all goes well, I do both. It helps to be focused on carrying out this plan. Multi-tasking: making pancakes, arranging for plane tickets, and writing at the same time is not working out (burned pancakes, loss of train of thought are two results of my multi-tasking).

Most of the time, I make a "To-Do" list, and it works for a while, but I have no vision of where I am headed. Yesterday, I wrote up what my typical week looks like, and after putting in the functions with set time frames, I wound up with a hodgepodge of activities. The synonym for the word "hodgepodge" is "jumble." Biblically, there is a verse for this condition: "Without a vision, the people perish."

People perish when they don't have a vision because they end up lost in a maze of activities clearly leading nowhere, like being lost inside the grooves of this plant pictured to the left. I was looking for a brain, but then I found this image of an underwater plant whose name I do not know because the site was in French. This image portrays me on a "To-do" day. I may end up feeling like I have done much as I cross off all those actions I have to do, but I do not necessarily end up anywhere. I need a vision. Unfortunately, visions squirm their way out of my head. I was looking at memes today. If you don't know what a meme is, don't feel badly. I didn't know those posts I was seeing on Facebook were called memes either. I just called them "What People Think I Do" posts. I started to write in detail about the definition of meme when I realize I had moved way far away from my original vision for this post -- my vision was to write about vision.

I start out envisioning a blog about vision, just like I wake up in the morning and envision a day of organizing, or a day of sending out cards and letters, or a day of applying for a job, or a wonderful day of seeing old friends.

What actually happens to my vision: Distractions set in, or fear hops on board, or reality comes calling. Reality isn't such a bad addition to vision…if it really is reality. When I was younger, I thought about all sorts of career choices: most of them had to do with fame and fortune. I realized I could not sing so becoming a singer was a good vision to cast aside. That's what I thought this morning, until I recalled that there are many singers who can not sing, yet they are making a living by singing. Which makes me wonder if maybe some deficits can be overcome by sheer tenacity, perseverance, and practice. Nonetheless, if I vomit at the sight of bodily fluids, being in the medical profession is probably not a good vision.

What people actually see of my vision is not much when distractions keep leading me astray. Visions have to be accompanied by determination and the means to carry out that determination. Dallas Willard writes extensively of this model VIM (vision, intention, means) in his book Renovation of the Heart.

When fear tries to destroy my vision, I need to go back to the original, check to see if it was a good vision in the first place, and if it was good, to remember who is for me -- God. I still need to get out of bed. Seriously, I am not interested in being God's robot or zombie. He's not interested in making me one either.

As I start the new year, I am putting some vim,  energy and enthusiasm for vision, intention, and means into my days. Not to be confused by VIM -- vendor independent messaging…whatever that means to computer knowledgeable people (my goodness, the things I learn…and get distracted by…when I look up material for this blog).  

On the Sixth Day of Christmas -- A Story of Geese

I was going to give you a funny picture of six geese "a-laying"; except, it used the word "laying" incorrectly, and I just could not bring myself to use it, even in the interest of humor. Instead I am giving you a picture of two geese who were involved in the story I am about to tell. This incident happened almost a year ago, this past January.

My friend and I were prayer walking around our local lake at noon. At the end of our walk, we saw a little boy who was shorter than all of the 30 geese he was chasing! I mean CHASING these geese into the lake, not a sign of fear in his bones. My friend and I immediately looked for a parent because geese are MEAN! Then, I heard the Lord: "That little boy, shorter and weaker than all those geese has them running" and I could see that the geese were moving out of his way. His father was indeed there, although quite a ways back, back far enough that we did not see him at first. It became clear to my friend and I that obviously we have been way too scared of these geese, AND that spiritually we could rout the enemy with our Abba Father supporting us every step of the way. The prayers at the end of our prayer walk were full of His power as we acknowledged this truth.

It does occur to me that just as our loving Father knows our frame, so too we need to know our children and grandchildren. As a allegory, we can take this story and see how often we cower before the enemy when God is there all the time. We can be like this little boy, brave and strong. As for TEACHING children not to fear, I imagine that the dad took into account how his child was made. Did he need to hold his son's hand at first and show him how to move those geese along? Does he have another son who still wants to hang back and his daddy is giving the son time to grow? I'm glad our Daddy knows our frame. If He has allowed something a human would be tempted to fear to come into our lives, then we can also know that He is more than able to lead us, in Him and through Him, to victory. Together we can walk in the Spirit of love, power, and sound mind, and not in a spirit of fear.

I want to remember this story -- not the one of geese a-laying from the Christmas song, but the one where one little person, loving parent behind him (or her), can joyfully run through a gaggle of geese. The little boy carried no stick; he was not mean back at the geese. He simply was not going to allow those geese to boss him around or pick on him. I am goring to practice not letting the "blues," sadness, depressions, boredom, pride, anger, etc., push me around or pick on me.

"Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah. But thou, O Lord, are a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head" (Psalm 3:2-3).

P.S. I love the beauty of geese. They can, however, be extremely assertive (and thus, scary)!