This Isn't the God I Grew Up With Pt.1 (Joyful Journey Listening to Immanuel)

"This Isn't the God I Grew Up With" has been a title in my draft posts for awhile. When I read Joyful Journey Listening to Immanuel (by E. James Wilder, Anna Lang, John Loppnow, and Sungshim Loppnow), I knew I wanted to pair the title with the book review. However, as I wrote, I discovered the thoughts behind the title were too many for one post coupled with a book review. Therefore, I'll start with a short review (so I can copy onto Goodreads easily), and then follow up with how the God (god?) I grew up with would have compromised the practice of Immanuel journaling.

Joyful Journey is a fantastic personal growth / transformational book. My only complaint was the cost for such a slim book but then I found out I could have bought it for a better price directly from Life Model Works (see also the JoyStartsHere website). Life Model Works joins brain science with spiritual life and scripture. This particular book walks the reader through improving awareness that God is with us, God is good, and God is willing to help us. The fourth chapter guides the readers through what to do with the disconnect that comes through trauma and intense emotions. The steps in journaling start in chapter five although I was introduced first to the journaling aspect of Joyful Journey. One more general comment: the authors address both fears within the Christian community ("Are you sure this is scriptural?") and the connections to what we are learning about the brain. Essentially we have a Creator who designed our brains for connection -- "neurologists are even identifying that there is a region in our prefrontal cortex in charge of how we conduct ourselves that is nourished and developed best in this environment of loving relationships. Through these connections we actually become our true selves as God originally intended. We are able to have meaningful relationships and develop our brains and minds for success and abundance through loving connections" (11).

Chapter Six develops Immanuel journaling within community and with community, the practice of "shalom check". Shalom check can help guide the journaler in knowing if this is "the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place, at the right strength and in the right amount" to share with people (52). Also, I find it a good check for knowing those same qualities of God's peace, shalom, for myself and my actions, my journaling. The authors' checklist for shalom include:

Do I feel peacefully calm? (This topic "fits" together correctly now.) 
Am I sensing God's loving presence? (Underlining mine.)
Am I confident that nothing can take me away from God's love? 
Am I portraying my weakness accurately? 
Am I still sensing God's interactive presence in my painful memory? 
Have my joy, peace, and hope increased? 
Has my desire to love and serve others increased? (54).

This checklist would have invalidated the view of God which I grew up with. As I walk through Immanuel journaling, thankfulness fits in with most views of God. Sometimes that thankfulness is more along the lines of "Thank you for not squashing me like a bug today" than along the lines of "Thank you for the the beauty surrounding me" but gratitude is usually a given. The authors do make the connection between gratitude and the control center of the brain on the right hand side (34-45); however, if gratitude is impossible at the moment because our relational circuits (RCs) are off (covered in chapter four), then starting with what God sees in our body and what God hears from us, and stating to ourselves that God is with us (Immanuel), God wants to be with us, is a first step to restoring relational circuits.

Here is where I would have hit a roadblock with the god I grew up with. God did NOT want to be with me when I was a bad girl, an angry child (or adult). The god I grew up with stopped listening to me if I started to whine or complain. Basically, the god I grew up with resembled either Zeus (capricious and wrathful) or Santa Claus ("He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!" -- Or you're going to get coal in your Christmas stocking) or  George Burns (Oh, God! 1977 movie with Burns portraying God as an old man who expects actor John Denver to deliver God's message to the human race that they have everything they need and so the human race needs to get on with life).

Those gods are not going to be interested in me hearing the words: My dear child...my beloved...I delight in you...

If those gods saw me, they're going to throttle me; if they hear what I'm thinking, I'm going to get punished and sent to my room for sure. God gives his beloved sleep; therefore, if I don't sleep, I must have done something wrong. Even worse, as this happened to be the conversation among childhood friends this past week (No, I did not bring it up!), one dear friend had been told that God sent her illnesses because she must have done something bad. I wish this were an uncommon thought; however, another writer/teacher was told the same thing when his daughter was born with a defect that took her life at a young age.

Now I know and trust that God who sees me and hears me, loves me and understands me, wants to be with me, wants to do something about what I am going through. It may not be what I think I want in the moment, and I've lived long enough now to know that when I think I am right, I'm not always right (see below in the heart section).

Interestingly, I did an exercise this past week of drawing with my non-dominant hand my earliest thoughts of God. Surprisingly, the pictures were not the same as my pictures of God that I learned as I grew up! My earliest pictures were of a smiling Jesus with arms stretched out or of a picture on my best friend's wall. Two children crossing a bridge with God protecting them which as I write this, I realize that it actually must have been a guardian angel; however, that was my picture of God: protecting me and opening up arms to me.

Now I know and trust that when Jesus says to his disciples: "If you have seen me, you have seen the Father (God)" that is to be my picture of God. The 1 Corinthians 13 passage so often recited at weddings is a picture of God. Those attributes are the attributes of God. Anything less is not God.

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I so regret as I raised my children that I raised them in the way I was taught, not by my mother necessarily, but by some well-meaning women, who might have said, "God is love" but their version of love was fairly strict. An example that stands out in my mind is children do not get out of bed or out of the playpen just because they are crying. I'm fine with an overtired child crying for a brief time because when he or she is overtired, then no amount of attention is going to stop the crying. In fact, the attention may just keep the child from getting the sleep needed. But, if mom is trying to be perfect to please God, you can imagine what that mother's children will go through. I thought I was so right just as the women who taught me thought they were so right. I wonder now how many children have a picture of a Santa Claus god who "sees them when they're sleeping; he knows when you're awake; he knows if you've been good or bad, so be good for goodness sake!"

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As a spiritual formational practice, place your bible in front of you opened to 1 Corinthians 13. As you journal, picture God loving you, being patient with and kind to you, not dishonoring you, not easily angered with you. Yes, God does not delight in evil, but you can admit your weaknesses, and God, whether you are at the place of admitting all or not in that place yet, God protects you, teaches you how to trust, how to hope, how to persevere. Where it looks like God has not protected you or your loved ones, God will be with you in that trauma and suffering. I know that this can cause people to either not believe in God or to hate God, but I've never gone that direction because 1) I've had too many times of experiencing the unseeable God who calls me "beloved child" "delightful one" even when, especially when, I fail,  and 2) I can not figure out how we could have a perfectly good world without God making everyone a robot type of person with no choices.

Top Shelf with the Memories on the Left in the Bedroom -- Journals, Memoirs, and Writing, Oh My!

This is my second bookshelf post. For some people, this shelf on a bedroom hutch would not be for books. It would be for pictures or knick knacks. Not so in a reader's house. If you are a mom and here for a mom moment, skip down to the hearts. If you are interested in the spiritual practices side of this blog, skip down to the dotted lines. Those of you interested in brief synopses of the books, keep reading.

From left to right:
Streams in the Desert devotional journal -- not written in. I have this habit of buying beautiful journals and then not wanting to mar the pages. My original Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman is on the other side of the hutch, well used and well read.

I am Inspired reflections journal -- 15 pages written in while I was in Russia. It was a good choice for Russia as it is lightweight. Twice before I had traveled to Russia and not written down my thoughts when I was there. The experienced travelers say to reflect while you are on the journey or you will forget. I found this to be true, but difficult to implement. My last written words are in Russian. Unfortunately, I have dropped my practices and have forgotten much so I'm not sure what it says. Мы is "We"; Сару is probably Sarah, my daughter, with whom I was traveling. I know the last word is "house" and the next to the last, I think, is "old" and we were visiting an old, very old, house.
Мы двинули Сару к её новому дому.

What to do with the other pages? Sigh. I have many, many journals and a tendency to pick one up and start writing, no matter the date or subject. In other words, if my children or grandchildren ever read them, they will find the scope and sequencing way out of sync (out of order). I did have a idea for young moms (or anyone really), see 💕 below.

Live This Day a birthday book of questions and reflections -- not written in (are you sensing a pattern here?). I picked this up at a yard sale for 25 cents. I had grand plans of writing in it on my birthday every year, but I did not think about it two months ago.

Mere Christianity journal -- a beautiful leather journal (ahem, also not written in). I had bought one for one of my students as a graduation gift, liked it so much that I bought one for myself. There is a beautiful violet pressed inside.

All Shall Be Well by Paraclete Press -- colorful pages, quotes by saints of old (the cover quote by Hilda St. Clair), opportunities to draw and write, WRITTEN IN! I turn often to the first two pages. On one side is a quote by Teresa of Avila: "Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. God alone is enough." On the other side are boxes in a variety of colors with these instructions: "Write your fears in each of these boxes. Now mark an X over each one and write underneath each one, "God is bigger than this." I have not literally filled in those boxes, but when I am fearful, I sometimes come to this page and mentally fill in the box, cross it out, and say to myself, "God is bigger than this." If you happened to read my post Magi-Community-Regrets-Resolutions, you will know that I took issue with those who respond to all situations with a blanket: God is enough. I responded, "God is enough AND God wants community." I still think that is true. I also know God is enough and bigger than all my fears. God also uses the community of saints (and sinners) to love me and strengthen me.

Writing About Your Life by William Zinsser -- I need all the help I can get. Obviously, what I need most is either the time or the will to sit down and start writing.

Old Friend from Far Away by Natalie Goldberg -- Yes, another "The Practice of Writing Memoir" Gulp, not written in. Yes, this is a "how-to" writing memories with actually exercise pages. Maybe I could put one page from a journal or memory book down on my list of "to-do" (see hearts below).

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence -- so loved, the front cover is there but no longer attached. The copyright on this book is 1982. I may have had it longer than that. I can't say that I have read and re-read the book as much as I have constantly been reminded by the title that I can practice being aware of the presence of God.

Born for Battle by R. Arthur Mathews (copyright 1978) -- I've also had this book for a very long time. Every time I think about passing it along something happens to remind me of its value. The battle in this book is not against flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places. What saved the book on the bookshelf this week was a section "God's Good Purposes in Human History" in Dallas Willard's book The Allure of Gentleness. It's too long of a discussion to post here, but I recommend Willard's book.

The Calvary Road by Roy Hession -- This is another book that I sometimes think of passing on and then I see the words I have underlined. The author, at least as he wrote the book, writes humbly and lovingly (which always draws me in) of openness and transparency.

If by Amy Carmichael -- Another little book I have had for a long time. When I pull it down, it is usually to remind myself of her poem "Love through me, Love of God" -- the second stanza is as follows:

Powers of the love of Good, 
Depths of the heart Divine, 
O Love that faileth not, break forth, 
And flood this world of Thine. 

Boundless Love by six women -- As I took the picture of this bookshelf, I wondered, "Do I have this book up here because I'm too lazy to pass it on?" So, I pull it down and start to read. The short vignettes by these women are so good. They were all grey-haired when the book came out, and I have been looking for writings by older women. The back page is a appropriate synopsis: "Our faith begins and ends with the love of God. In the face of life's struggles, how deeply we need to trust in a love greater than ourselves..."

A Heart Like His by Mike and Amy Nappa -- Written like a blog would be written, before there were blogs.

I Celebrate You, Grandmother! -- Back to the journal type of books. A gift book I found at a yard sale and couldn't pass up...even though my grandmothers died many years ago. I'm not sure what I intend to do with it! Hope my grandchildren find it and fill it in for me? Hah!

A Closer Walk by Catherine Marshall -- I keep pages 102-103 permanently bookmarked. These are the pages when Marshall discusses the day she decided to practice "fasting from criticism." Her account is hilarious (always hilarious when someone else it is happening to someone else). She writes: "My critical nature had not corrected a single one of the multitudinous things I found fault with." Those last three words are key words. Most of us, myself especially included, would not think of ourselves as critical. The word "critical" applies to someone mean, doesn't it. However, Marshall fasted from speaking out anything that day with which she found fault (whether she was right or not!). See below the dotted line for what she learned from this day.

Finally, A Time To Pray 365 Classic Prayers to help you through the year, compiled by Philip Law -- The title states it all, and I've used this book a lot.

Would I put any of these books on my Ideal Bookshelf? -- I don't know. Possibly the All Shall Be Well. Small, good quotes, good reflections.

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This morning, I wanted to accomplish as much as possible. I tend to jump from one activity to the next, getting things done, but maybe not as efficiently as possible (and forgetting some things in the middle of doing others). I have practiced making a list in the past and it has worked for me (as long as I don't lose all the little sticky notes, pieces of paper, etc.). Typically I jump from one activity to the next as they come to mind. This morning as I thought of something that needed to be done, I jotted it down on a piece of paper. This kept me from thinking of a computer activity and then finding myself still on the computer an hour later. I kept a list of everything that needed to be accomplished on the computer.

It did occur to me as my list grew that this might be overwhelming to a parent who is already overwhelmed. (One obviously can not put "change baby's diaper" on the list.) I wondered if putting one thing down per page, such as in this disposable little journal, might look more do-able. Once an action is crossed off, the page can be used again. It becomes more of a list making device than a journal, but one can look back and see how she made it through the day, and when there are encouraging words on the page to continually look at each time, an inexpensive journal (often found at the dollar store or cheaply at a yard sale) can be better than plain sheets of paper (easily lost).

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If you're looking to practice a day of fasting from criticism, it might help to read what Marshall discovered:
1) A critical spirit focuses on ourselves and makes us unhappy. We lose perspective and humor.
2) A critical spirit blocks the positive creative thoughts God longs to give us.
3) A critical spirit can prevent good relationships between individuals and often produces retaliatory criticalness.
4) Criticalness blocks the work of the Spirit of God: love, good will, mercy.
5) Whenever we see something genuinely wrong in another person's behavior, rather than criticize him or her directly, or -- far worse -- gripe about him behind his back, we should ask the Spirit of God to do the correction needed. (Marshall 104)