This Isn't the God I Grew Up With Pt.1 (Joyful Journey Listening to Immanuel)

"This Isn't the God I Grew Up With" has been a title in my draft posts for awhile. When I read Joyful Journey Listening to Immanuel (by E. James Wilder, Anna Lang, John Loppnow, and Sungshim Loppnow), I knew I wanted to pair the title with the book review. However, as I wrote, I discovered the thoughts behind the title were too many for one post coupled with a book review. Therefore, I'll start with a short review (so I can copy onto Goodreads easily), and then follow up with how the God (god?) I grew up with would have compromised the practice of Immanuel journaling.

Joyful Journey is a fantastic personal growth / transformational book. My only complaint was the cost for such a slim book but then I found out I could have bought it for a better price directly from Life Model Works (see also the JoyStartsHere website). Life Model Works joins brain science with spiritual life and scripture. This particular book walks the reader through improving awareness that God is with us, God is good, and God is willing to help us. The fourth chapter guides the readers through what to do with the disconnect that comes through trauma and intense emotions. The steps in journaling start in chapter five although I was introduced first to the journaling aspect of Joyful Journey. One more general comment: the authors address both fears within the Christian community ("Are you sure this is scriptural?") and the connections to what we are learning about the brain. Essentially we have a Creator who designed our brains for connection -- "neurologists are even identifying that there is a region in our prefrontal cortex in charge of how we conduct ourselves that is nourished and developed best in this environment of loving relationships. Through these connections we actually become our true selves as God originally intended. We are able to have meaningful relationships and develop our brains and minds for success and abundance through loving connections" (11).

Chapter Six develops Immanuel journaling within community and with community, the practice of "shalom check". Shalom check can help guide the journaler in knowing if this is "the right relationship, at the right time, in the right place, at the right strength and in the right amount" to share with people (52). Also, I find it a good check for knowing those same qualities of God's peace, shalom, for myself and my actions, my journaling. The authors' checklist for shalom include:

Do I feel peacefully calm? (This topic "fits" together correctly now.) 
Am I sensing God's loving presence? (Underlining mine.)
Am I confident that nothing can take me away from God's love? 
Am I portraying my weakness accurately? 
Am I still sensing God's interactive presence in my painful memory? 
Have my joy, peace, and hope increased? 
Has my desire to love and serve others increased? (54).

This checklist would have invalidated the view of God which I grew up with. As I walk through Immanuel journaling, thankfulness fits in with most views of God. Sometimes that thankfulness is more along the lines of "Thank you for not squashing me like a bug today" than along the lines of "Thank you for the the beauty surrounding me" but gratitude is usually a given. The authors do make the connection between gratitude and the control center of the brain on the right hand side (34-45); however, if gratitude is impossible at the moment because our relational circuits (RCs) are off (covered in chapter four), then starting with what God sees in our body and what God hears from us, and stating to ourselves that God is with us (Immanuel), God wants to be with us, is a first step to restoring relational circuits.

Here is where I would have hit a roadblock with the god I grew up with. God did NOT want to be with me when I was a bad girl, an angry child (or adult). The god I grew up with stopped listening to me if I started to whine or complain. Basically, the god I grew up with resembled either Zeus (capricious and wrathful) or Santa Claus ("He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!" -- Or you're going to get coal in your Christmas stocking) or  George Burns (Oh, God! 1977 movie with Burns portraying God as an old man who expects actor John Denver to deliver God's message to the human race that they have everything they need and so the human race needs to get on with life).

Those gods are not going to be interested in me hearing the words: My dear child...my beloved...I delight in you...

If those gods saw me, they're going to throttle me; if they hear what I'm thinking, I'm going to get punished and sent to my room for sure. God gives his beloved sleep; therefore, if I don't sleep, I must have done something wrong. Even worse, as this happened to be the conversation among childhood friends this past week (No, I did not bring it up!), one dear friend had been told that God sent her illnesses because she must have done something bad. I wish this were an uncommon thought; however, another writer/teacher was told the same thing when his daughter was born with a defect that took her life at a young age.

Now I know and trust that God who sees me and hears me, loves me and understands me, wants to be with me, wants to do something about what I am going through. It may not be what I think I want in the moment, and I've lived long enough now to know that when I think I am right, I'm not always right (see below in the heart section).

Interestingly, I did an exercise this past week of drawing with my non-dominant hand my earliest thoughts of God. Surprisingly, the pictures were not the same as my pictures of God that I learned as I grew up! My earliest pictures were of a smiling Jesus with arms stretched out or of a picture on my best friend's wall. Two children crossing a bridge with God protecting them which as I write this, I realize that it actually must have been a guardian angel; however, that was my picture of God: protecting me and opening up arms to me.

Now I know and trust that when Jesus says to his disciples: "If you have seen me, you have seen the Father (God)" that is to be my picture of God. The 1 Corinthians 13 passage so often recited at weddings is a picture of God. Those attributes are the attributes of God. Anything less is not God.

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I so regret as I raised my children that I raised them in the way I was taught, not by my mother necessarily, but by some well-meaning women, who might have said, "God is love" but their version of love was fairly strict. An example that stands out in my mind is children do not get out of bed or out of the playpen just because they are crying. I'm fine with an overtired child crying for a brief time because when he or she is overtired, then no amount of attention is going to stop the crying. In fact, the attention may just keep the child from getting the sleep needed. But, if mom is trying to be perfect to please God, you can imagine what that mother's children will go through. I thought I was so right just as the women who taught me thought they were so right. I wonder now how many children have a picture of a Santa Claus god who "sees them when they're sleeping; he knows when you're awake; he knows if you've been good or bad, so be good for goodness sake!"

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As a spiritual formational practice, place your bible in front of you opened to 1 Corinthians 13. As you journal, picture God loving you, being patient with and kind to you, not dishonoring you, not easily angered with you. Yes, God does not delight in evil, but you can admit your weaknesses, and God, whether you are at the place of admitting all or not in that place yet, God protects you, teaches you how to trust, how to hope, how to persevere. Where it looks like God has not protected you or your loved ones, God will be with you in that trauma and suffering. I know that this can cause people to either not believe in God or to hate God, but I've never gone that direction because 1) I've had too many times of experiencing the unseeable God who calls me "beloved child" "delightful one" even when, especially when, I fail,  and 2) I can not figure out how we could have a perfectly good world without God making everyone a robot type of person with no choices.

Day 5 -- Heal on This Fifth Day of Advent

Healing happens best when one heals with a friend (ice cream is a plus).

It has been quite a year! Last year at this time, my husband was healing from knee replacement surgery and the effect of the pain medications. Less than a year later, he wound up in the hospital with a bacterial skin infection which triggered an arthritic flare up in his natural knee. We're thankful his artificial knee was not touched! From there, both of us have had visits with the doctors. The privilege of growing older. Yet, I know many friends and family members of all ages and for many reasons are in need of healing right now. For some, eating good food, moving around, and getting some sleep goes a long ways.

For others, healing is more complicated. Still, I like the subtitle on this book cover: "How Small Choices Lead to Big Changes."

Some days all one can do is to "take the next step one knows to take" -- a Dallas Willard saying that has helped me time after time.

Healing, in the midst of a medical condition or healing in the midst of relational issues, is a journey -- a journey that one often awakens to. For me and mine, we gather our resources, we simplify our lives, and we wait, just as Advent is a time of waiting, for the One who comes with healing in his wings. 

Journeys, Pilgrimages, Paths

I first published this post privately on Facebook and a friend asked me if it was on my blog. It was not, so here it is for my friend and anyone else.

I felt like writing today, but it's funny how the finished piece turns out differently than first written in my head. I had to change the pictures I had first chosen as I thought about how on earth does one live her life the way Jesus would live it. My London cohort actually received this type of question during our first semester. We're stuck in an elevator with someone who asks us how to "put on Christ." Here is a portion of a fellow cohort's response: 

"Stranger: Hi...
Nick, nods.
Stranger: So anyway...I was just thinking, what does it mean to 'put on Jesus?' Is that actually possible?
He stares at Nick encouragingly. Nick says nothing.
Stranger: Well?
Nick: I'm sorry, I just find that incredibly difficult to talk about.
Stranger: Why?
Nick: Because I'm English. We never talk to strangers.
Stranger: Oh. I see.
Nick: I'm sorry. It's a genetic thing.
Stranger: Would it help if I told you that I'm not a real person? That I am, actually, an artificial construct created by a man called Gary in order to pose a question?
Nick: (Relieved and suddenly much more relaxed) Oh, in that case, fire away." 

I'm telling you my British genes grow stronger every day. I answered the question...in my own fashion...I pasted in my latest blog post at the time, a piece about "Expectantly Waiting Gone Wrong -- Day 11 of Advent." Made complete sense to me, but then it also made sense to me in elementary school to write about Santa, Greek mythology style. Have. always. marched. to. a. different. beat. 

My journey started prior to my two years of study. I read the article "Sleep Therapy" by Lauren Winner in 2006. No one had ever told me that I could stop working at a decent hour and go to sleep for 8-10 hours. Darn Puritan work ethic. Jesus wept, but Jesus also slept. Even in a storm. 

On that slippery slope to Christ-likeness, I also slowed down. Okay, so maybe freeway driving is still a work in progress, but I no longer run around as if I'm my dog chasing a squirrel. And, it is a life change that others notice because it has led to patience. I sat peacefully at the bank while they figured out how to wire pounds to a bank in England so that I could pay for my reunion stay. The bank folks kept thanking me and marveling at my patience. My response came out of several years of intentionally slowing down my pace because I trusted in Jesus that all would be well. 

The greatest change has come in the area of fear. All my life, fear has driven me. My children gifted me one year with a paranoia book. I never read it because there would be all those new things to fear! While fear can still occasionally grip me, I recognize it now. Fear no longer drives my life. I have now taken over 20 airplane flights! Fear of losing my job? Been there, done that. God sustained me. Yes, there are situations where the pool of tears are beyond my ability to cope, but God sits beside me and sends others to sit beside me. Here are three statements made in one of the final sessions at the reunion I just attended: 1) Over 1,500 x God says, "My people don't listen" 2) People are not finding listeners among Christians because we/they are too busy talking 3) In spiritual formation, we dare not forget: Listen. 

From my teacher: On this journey, "Remember, every person sits next to a pool of tears."

Sometimes we have beautiful sunny path days filled with green and flowers such as in the picture at the beginning of this post, but often days are filled with mud -- how deep and slippery it is differs for each of us.

The path with the elevation gain...ugh.

The path filled with logs: sometimes the logs are in the way; sometimes the logs are something to play on!

The path with seating in the midst of tears.