Retiring and Transitioning (Next by Vanderbloemen and Bird)

The short version of how I came to be reading this book: I thoroughly disliked hearing the statement: "All pastors are interim pastors." Wait! Don't stop reading because I used the word "pastor." I promise that this post will apply to all, not just pastors.

I still don't like the statement as used by authors Vanderbloemen and Bird. While I have dear friends who are wonderful interim pastors, I think the use of it in the book carries with it a negative feeling even if the authors do not intend to write in that way.

In this case, why do I give the book three stars which means I like the book? I would go so far as to say, for pastors and churches the rating is 4-5 stars and a necessary book to read. As someone not on an elder board and not a pastor, I appreciated the ideas in the book to know how to help a community of faith and a workplace community. I appreciated being challenged to think about how we all need to build bridges for others.

For the first two communities mentioned above, I like to think of leaders moving on in the best of circumstances as a time of commencement. They are about to begin a new part of their journey in life and how can the leaders bless their community and how can the community bless them. In the worst case situations, dealing with grief within a community is needful. For good or for ill, being prepared from the moment a leader takes up his or her position is the great idea conveyed by this book. The authors do go into every nitty gritty detail (money, loss of momentum, etc.) As one reviewer put it, for a book about pastoring, it seems like the the authors deem a good succession as one with continued tithing and continued growth. I have to wonder about some of the examples in the book: what happened to love God and love others.

The takeaway for me in this book is how does anyone: a parent, a woman or man, a employer, a leader, and, yes, a pastor, leave a legacy, not of wealth but of that which she or he has contributed to the world just being who they are and what they have been doing on this journey? Our unique identity can not be passed on, nor should we want it to be, but people are going to continue on without us. How can we make those transitions as smooth as possible for them?

Vanderbloemen and Bird's last chapters are some of the best. On page 171-172 of the next-to-the-last chapter, they bring in the work of William Bridges, an authority on change and transition "[who] helps us understand the emotional side of those transitions. He argues that the single biggest reason organizational changes fail is that no one has thought about endings or planned to manage their impact on people. His argument is that changes don't do you in. Rather transitions do you in.

"He explains the way the concepts differ. Change is situational....new location...retirement...reorganization...a shift...Transition is psychological. It is a process people go through as they internalize and come to terms with the details of the new situation the change brings about."

I have just participated in seeing a community carry out V&B's suggestions well: The pastor and his family verbalized a personal goodbye, the community had opportunities to say goodbye and to honor the pastor and his family. The grief of the community was and is being recognized. The pastor and family was gifted and blessed.

I wanted to include the beautiful words spoken during these celebrations and services but it would make the post too long so if you know me personally and would like me to get those to you, I will. If I don't know you, but you ask in the comment section, I will start putting those in my replies in the comment section.

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I've mentioned in this section before the need to know who would take care of your children if something were to happen to you. My children are grown so now my concern about what comes next is not to leave them with too many of my possessions to go through and try to get rid of or find places for. Also, as I think about my job, how can I make it easier for the person who one day will follow me? And, those who follow behind me will have their own contributions to make, but how can I leave my little section of the path clear so that they can more easily extend the path and travel farther than I could go?

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HUMILITY -- oh, does preparing for one's successor take humility. To practice little habits daily so that when that day comes, we can do so with grace and love and peace -- this, this is following Christ.
My indirect ways of practicing humility have been in choosing to get in the slow line at grocer's stores and letting people with less groceries than I to go ahead of me. Humility. Why is my time so much more than other people's time? Read the book Leadership and Self-Deception (link to the review here). When we take action which lacks humility, we want to make the others as people not like us, people who deserved whatever action we took.

Another little indirect step toward humility I took yesterday involved the dish soap. Yes, the dish soap. I tend to leave it out on the counter. My spouse loves tidiness. He mentioned that he is always putting it away. Please note that he did not say it to "put me in my place". It's not a slippery slope toward slavery if I choose to put the dish soap away as an indirect way to practice humility. This may not be a good practice for someone with an abusive spouse. I'm a creative messy person and my spouse likes some order. I'm not ready for a hoarding reality show, and he's not ready for psychological care; we're just different and  I'm confident in myself and my abilities; therefore, for me, putting away the dish soap is a practice I thought I would try. You can figure out your own small step of practicing humility.  

Why Sunday Sermons Might Not Work (aka "Bring Forth Fruit")...or Parent / Teacher Lectures or Employer Evaluations (Leadership and Self-Deception)

An extremely long title for a very thin book with a title guaranteed to repel some readers! Who willingly goes into exploring self-deception?

I read it because my daughter read it for work. If you want your company to be top notch, this book (or something similar) is a must read. I write "something similar" because some reviewers hate the narrative form of the book. If you hate reading example stories, and you can read to-the-point, tell me like it is informational statements  which you then apply to yourself, then go for it. My understanding is that some of the other books are tied to religious organizations and this book is appropriate for non-religious settings.

I read it before heading out to a conference with 200 people and found the concept of "being in the box" toward people useful. If I found myself starting to think ill of another person, I would ask myself if I was in the box toward him or her and why. Some reviewers did not like the "in the box" "out of the box" descriptions. They are difficult to explain. I think in other fields they might be described as treating people as "other" -- other than yourself, someone not of your kind. We don't realize that we are forgetting that we do have our humanity in common, that the other person feels just like you and I would feel if we were receiving that sermon, that lecture, that evaluation, but we don't stop to think about that. We deceive ourselves unconsciously into thinking we have good reasons for acting the way we do, but the other person is being ____________ (fill in the blank, but make it worse than you are or would be).

At our place of employment, we make mistakes and think we need to blame others so we won't feel so badly about our actions. Same for families and communities.  Yet it is better for a business, better for families, better for communities when people treat each other well. Lectures or Sermons are not the way to solve the problem. When lectures and sermons by employers, parents, teachers, pastors don't lead to change, we blame the listener, the student, the worker, the child, the congregant.

What the stories in the book can do that concrete factual statements can not is to give examples that lead the reader to realize "I do that. I pretend to be asleep and let my spouse get up with the child. I yell at my son for squealing the tires when he gets in on time as I asked. I make it look like someone is already sitting in the empty seat next to me so that no one will sit there even though people are looking for seats (because my needs are greater than that stranger's, even though I have no idea what that stranger is going through)."

The section on collusion is also powerful. We hate conflict, but we don't want to think we might be the one in the wrong. We don't want to give our son permission to be out for the evening because he has been irresponsible in his actions lately. We grudgingly give permission with a set time to be in, and if our child is late, it proves our point that he is irresponsible. We want him to be responsible, but at the same time, we want him to get the point that he has been irresponsible. Yet, our actions make him more irresponsible than ever. Oh, the games we play in our brains!

This is why I hesitantly suggest that there is a bit of this going on with Sunday sermons. If a congregation were perfect, there might be no need for a pastor to tell them to be better! I read this John Ortberg quote today: "We spend too much time arguing about Christianity and not enough time marveling at Jesus." This probably deserves a post of its own, but I combined the review of the book  (thoroughly secular) with an issue I see in Sunday sermons: with a bit of rephrasing (of perhaps a Dallas Willard quote), Sundays tend to be filled with too much "God is good. You're really not doing well at all. Try harder, and go tell someone about Jesus" rather than marveling at Jesus and learning to do what he did: love God and love others. Go to weddings and drink the wine. Eat with people who are different from you. See them as people with feelings like your feelings. Listen to them like you like to be listened to. Know that you're not going to be humiliated by God who loves you. As we learn to trust that Someone holds us, we also learn to love and not humiliate others.

Lest you think the book is all warm fuzzies, no one who does something wrong ever gets those issues addressed. That is not the case at all. It's about learning how to address those wrongs and still treating another person as a human being who is like yourself. There's a lot more in this short book such as being in a box a long time with another person, so much so that you can't even remember when you first started blaming them for everything that goes wrong. People on both sides of a conflict may be "in the box" with one another (how fun is that).

I bought the book; I give it a five.

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We now know that children think differently from adults but feel the same emotions.  I wish I had had access to a book like this when I was raising my children. When talking with children (or anyone for that matter), I know have to ask myself two questions: Would I like to be talked to the way I just talked to that person (or was going to talk to them)? When I have the feeling part of it sorted out, then I also need to think about the personality of the person to whom I'm talking. With adults who we have not known for a long time, this may take some time; however, with children, if we start from birth, we have some time to learn a child's personality and what he or she responds to.

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I found the "in the box" illustrations very helpful in this book. When bad characteristics came into my head about a person, it was a great trigger for me to think, "Am I in the box toward this person?" "Why?" "Is he or she really like that?" "Did I think those thoughts about this person before this incident?" "What prompted these thoughts in my head?" "Oh, maybe it's because I'm hoping this friend will fill a need that can not be filled at this particular time. That doesn't make them a bad person." Etc. The "in the box" concept has continued to be a transforming one.

A Host of Angels -- Day 22 of Advent

We finally come to the final Sunday in Advent. The last candle, the Angels' Candle (not always called this, but many do), is lit. I have read that it represents "peace" even though I also read that one or more of the previous candles represented peace. As I travel through this Advent season, I am getting a feel for how I am drawn in at each stage of Advent. I can see where this candle would be the Angels candle, the peace candle, and also, the glory candle…not that I read of anyone calling it the glory candle.

Along with the shepherds we have angels. Actually, come to think of it, angels have figured in quite a bit: an angel spoke to Zacharias (John the Baptist's dad, Elisabeth's husband, Mary's cousin), to Mary, to Joseph, to the shepherds, and to Joseph again, so I think an angel candle is fitting.

But, I don't think any of the angels looked like this angel, even though I think this card which our family received this year is beautiful.

Nor do I think any looked like this angel on a card we received last year. People were extremely afraid when they saw an angel or an army of angels. The shepherds were "sore afraid." The angel greeting them said,"Fear not." Angels are always saying, "Fear not." There must be a reason why they say, "Fear not." So, it is rather strange to me that the angel candle is associated with peace. Yet, peace is what the angels spoke over the shepherds as the heavenly host praised God.

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men" (Luke 2:14).

God's intentions have always included peace on earth, good will toward men. It is our own power struggles and greed that causes a lack of peace. We want what we want and when we don't get what we want, we fight for it. Jesus came to show a better way, a way of life and truth and grace.

"And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth." (John 1:14).

"Sing, choirs of angels, Sing in exultation, Sing, all ye citizens of heaven above;
Glory to God in the highest; O come, let us adore Him, O come, let us adore Him,
O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord."