An extremely long title for a very thin book with a title guaranteed to repel some readers! Who willingly goes into exploring self-deception?
I read it because my daughter read it for work. If you want your company to be top notch, this book (or something similar) is a must read. I write "something similar" because some reviewers hate the narrative form of the book. If you hate reading example stories, and you can read to-the-point, tell me like it is informational statements which you then apply to yourself, then go for it. My understanding is that some of the other books are tied to religious organizations and this book is appropriate for non-religious settings.
I read it before heading out to a conference with 200 people and found the concept of "being in the box" toward people useful. If I found myself starting to think ill of another person, I would ask myself if I was in the box toward him or her and why. Some reviewers did not like the "in the box" "out of the box" descriptions. They are difficult to explain. I think in other fields they might be described as treating people as "other" -- other than yourself, someone not of your kind. We don't realize that we are forgetting that we do have our humanity in common, that the other person feels just like you and I would feel if we were receiving that sermon, that lecture, that evaluation, but we don't stop to think about that. We deceive ourselves unconsciously into thinking we have good reasons for acting the way we do, but the other person is being ____________ (fill in the blank, but make it worse than you are or would be).
At our place of employment, we make mistakes and think we need to blame others so we won't feel so badly about our actions. Same for families and communities. Yet it is better for a business, better for families, better for communities when people treat each other well. Lectures or Sermons are not the way to solve the problem. When lectures and sermons by employers, parents, teachers, pastors don't lead to change, we blame the listener, the student, the worker, the child, the congregant.
What the stories in the book can do that concrete factual statements can not is to give examples that lead the reader to realize "I do that. I pretend to be asleep and let my spouse get up with the child. I yell at my son for squealing the tires when he gets in on time as I asked. I make it look like someone is already sitting in the empty seat next to me so that no one will sit there even though people are looking for seats (because my needs are greater than that stranger's, even though I have no idea what that stranger is going through)."
The section on collusion is also powerful. We hate conflict, but we don't want to think we might be the one in the wrong. We don't want to give our son permission to be out for the evening because he has been irresponsible in his actions lately. We grudgingly give permission with a set time to be in, and if our child is late, it proves our point that he is irresponsible. We want him to be responsible, but at the same time, we want him to get the point that he has been irresponsible. Yet, our actions make him more irresponsible than ever. Oh, the games we play in our brains!
This is why I hesitantly suggest that there is a bit of this going on with Sunday sermons. If a congregation were perfect, there might be no need for a pastor to tell them to be better! I read this John Ortberg quote today: "We spend too much time arguing about Christianity and not enough time marveling at Jesus." This probably deserves a post of its own, but I combined the review of the book (thoroughly secular) with an issue I see in Sunday sermons: with a bit of rephrasing (of perhaps a Dallas Willard quote), Sundays tend to be filled with too much "God is good. You're really not doing well at all. Try harder, and go tell someone about Jesus" rather than marveling at Jesus and learning to do what he did: love God and love others. Go to weddings and drink the wine. Eat with people who are different from you. See them as people with feelings like your feelings. Listen to them like you like to be listened to. Know that you're not going to be humiliated by God who loves you. As we learn to trust that Someone holds us, we also learn to love and not humiliate others.
Lest you think the book is all warm fuzzies, no one who does something wrong ever gets those issues addressed. That is not the case at all. It's about learning how to address those wrongs and still treating another person as a human being who is like yourself. There's a lot more in this short book such as being in a box a long time with another person, so much so that you can't even remember when you first started blaming them for everything that goes wrong. People on both sides of a conflict may be "in the box" with one another (how fun is that).
I bought the book; I give it a five.
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
We now know that children think differently from adults but feel the same emotions. I wish I had had access to a book like this when I was raising my children. When talking with children (or anyone for that matter), I know have to ask myself two questions: Would I like to be talked to the way I just talked to that person (or was going to talk to them)? When I have the feeling part of it sorted out, then I also need to think about the personality of the person to whom I'm talking. With adults who we have not known for a long time, this may take some time; however, with children, if we start from birth, we have some time to learn a child's personality and what he or she responds to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found the "in the box" illustrations very helpful in this book. When bad characteristics came into my head about a person, it was a great trigger for me to think, "Am I in the box toward this person?" "Why?" "Is he or she really like that?" "Did I think those thoughts about this person before this incident?" "What prompted these thoughts in my head?" "Oh, maybe it's because I'm hoping this friend will fill a need that can not be filled at this particular time. That doesn't make them a bad person." Etc. The "in the box" concept has continued to be a transforming one.
I read it because my daughter read it for work. If you want your company to be top notch, this book (or something similar) is a must read. I write "something similar" because some reviewers hate the narrative form of the book. If you hate reading example stories, and you can read to-the-point, tell me like it is informational statements which you then apply to yourself, then go for it. My understanding is that some of the other books are tied to religious organizations and this book is appropriate for non-religious settings.
I read it before heading out to a conference with 200 people and found the concept of "being in the box" toward people useful. If I found myself starting to think ill of another person, I would ask myself if I was in the box toward him or her and why. Some reviewers did not like the "in the box" "out of the box" descriptions. They are difficult to explain. I think in other fields they might be described as treating people as "other" -- other than yourself, someone not of your kind. We don't realize that we are forgetting that we do have our humanity in common, that the other person feels just like you and I would feel if we were receiving that sermon, that lecture, that evaluation, but we don't stop to think about that. We deceive ourselves unconsciously into thinking we have good reasons for acting the way we do, but the other person is being ____________ (fill in the blank, but make it worse than you are or would be).
At our place of employment, we make mistakes and think we need to blame others so we won't feel so badly about our actions. Same for families and communities. Yet it is better for a business, better for families, better for communities when people treat each other well. Lectures or Sermons are not the way to solve the problem. When lectures and sermons by employers, parents, teachers, pastors don't lead to change, we blame the listener, the student, the worker, the child, the congregant.
What the stories in the book can do that concrete factual statements can not is to give examples that lead the reader to realize "I do that. I pretend to be asleep and let my spouse get up with the child. I yell at my son for squealing the tires when he gets in on time as I asked. I make it look like someone is already sitting in the empty seat next to me so that no one will sit there even though people are looking for seats (because my needs are greater than that stranger's, even though I have no idea what that stranger is going through)."
The section on collusion is also powerful. We hate conflict, but we don't want to think we might be the one in the wrong. We don't want to give our son permission to be out for the evening because he has been irresponsible in his actions lately. We grudgingly give permission with a set time to be in, and if our child is late, it proves our point that he is irresponsible. We want him to be responsible, but at the same time, we want him to get the point that he has been irresponsible. Yet, our actions make him more irresponsible than ever. Oh, the games we play in our brains!
This is why I hesitantly suggest that there is a bit of this going on with Sunday sermons. If a congregation were perfect, there might be no need for a pastor to tell them to be better! I read this John Ortberg quote today: "We spend too much time arguing about Christianity and not enough time marveling at Jesus." This probably deserves a post of its own, but I combined the review of the book (thoroughly secular) with an issue I see in Sunday sermons: with a bit of rephrasing (of perhaps a Dallas Willard quote), Sundays tend to be filled with too much "God is good. You're really not doing well at all. Try harder, and go tell someone about Jesus" rather than marveling at Jesus and learning to do what he did: love God and love others. Go to weddings and drink the wine. Eat with people who are different from you. See them as people with feelings like your feelings. Listen to them like you like to be listened to. Know that you're not going to be humiliated by God who loves you. As we learn to trust that Someone holds us, we also learn to love and not humiliate others.
Lest you think the book is all warm fuzzies, no one who does something wrong ever gets those issues addressed. That is not the case at all. It's about learning how to address those wrongs and still treating another person as a human being who is like yourself. There's a lot more in this short book such as being in a box a long time with another person, so much so that you can't even remember when you first started blaming them for everything that goes wrong. People on both sides of a conflict may be "in the box" with one another (how fun is that).
I bought the book; I give it a five.
💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕
We now know that children think differently from adults but feel the same emotions. I wish I had had access to a book like this when I was raising my children. When talking with children (or anyone for that matter), I know have to ask myself two questions: Would I like to be talked to the way I just talked to that person (or was going to talk to them)? When I have the feeling part of it sorted out, then I also need to think about the personality of the person to whom I'm talking. With adults who we have not known for a long time, this may take some time; however, with children, if we start from birth, we have some time to learn a child's personality and what he or she responds to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found the "in the box" illustrations very helpful in this book. When bad characteristics came into my head about a person, it was a great trigger for me to think, "Am I in the box toward this person?" "Why?" "Is he or she really like that?" "Did I think those thoughts about this person before this incident?" "What prompted these thoughts in my head?" "Oh, maybe it's because I'm hoping this friend will fill a need that can not be filled at this particular time. That doesn't make them a bad person." Etc. The "in the box" concept has continued to be a transforming one.
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